Leading Without Being in Charge

So, this week I start working at Panera Bread. I realized this afternoon that this is my first job outside of a specifically Christian environment since I was 16. Even that job was a restaurant owned and made up of a majority of Dutch Christian Reformed folks and was closed on Sunday. Since then I've either worked with all Christians in a business owned by members of my church, at a Christian college or at my church itself.

This wasn't the plan.

I went to Moody so that I could work in youth ministry. I'm going to seminary so that I can work in youth ministry more effectively. There's a part of me that feels like working at Panera isn't fulfilling that calling very well. It feels like a misuse of stewardship of gifting. Misstewardship?

Things don't always go to plan though. Actually, it seems they rarely do.

What this job at Panera is, if I actually step back and look at it, is a blessing. I will be able to work well in an environment that isn't made up completely of believers. This can only put me in a better place to do evangelism, of building relationships with people and hopefully, by the grace of God, point people closer to knowing Christ. It is a job. It will bring in money. And I really love the broccoli cheddar soup. Especially with a discount.

The real issue that this raises is what to do about ministry? The beautiful thing is that God has called all believers to be ministers, not just the ones paid to do it. I'm still waiting on a church to get back to me about a position but at this point I'd rather deal with the situation I have than hypothetical situations in the future. The opportunity then to, after spending a few years doing youth ministry, after completing a degree in youth ministry, go into a youth ministry setting and not be "the boss" that I was applying to be presents some unique benefits:

1. It's God's ministry, not mine.
One of the biggest traps that someone in vocational ministry can fall into is when they start to think of a ministry as "theirs." Don't get me wrong, a pastor has responsibility for care for those under him. The danger of thinking of a ministry as our own is that it makes it seems as any of the fruit, any of the growth is our doing. Faith is a gift from God and so although it is an honor to be a tool in the process of seeing people come to Christ, we are not the ones that brought them there. The humbling experience of going and continuing to work under someone else in youth ministry will hopefully amplify these truths in my life.

2. If I stick in youth ministry, I'll always have a boss. (besides God)
Youth Pastors, by the nature of the job, are not the ones in charge. They are almost always working under a senior/lead pastor who has the final word on most big decisions. The senior/lead pastor has others that he is (hopefully) responsible to but the youth pastor (and other pastoral staff) have the specific responsibility to submit to the senior/lead pastor's leadership. This trait of submission is hopefully something that will continue to be cultivated in my life as I continue to submit to another youth pastor's leadership.

3. If I ask for God's leading, I need to be willing to be led.
I often pray for God's leading. I believe that God has ordained the steps that I'm taking but I want to be taking them in obedience. It's funny that a lot of times I'm really consistent about praying for God to lead me in His paths and then I am angry/grumpy about the paths that He seems to be leading me down. I'm not actually praying for God's leading, I'm praying for God to implement my leading. The plan was to find a youth ministry position. For reasons that are clear to God and not to me, He sent me to Panera instead. I pray that I will learn to submit more fully to God's plans and that I'll look for the opportunities and relationships that He is sending in my life both at Panera and at whatever youth ministry I start volunteering for.

Seminary Stress

This could be a sequel to my "Seminary Sanctification" post awhile ago. At that point and time the difficult part of the process was the time leading up to the decision of where to go to grad school. Well, that difficulty has passed. I chose Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. It came down to the fact that it's a good school with good profs. It is a manageable distance from home (GR). And they were willing to take off 18-22 credits off my degree because of classes I took at Moody.

The decision making itself was not that bad. In fact it was a little fun. You'd have to understand how much I love signing up for classes though. I made a habit of signing up my friends for their classes while at Moody. :)

After picking the school, finding a place on-campus to live, picking my classes... the real stress came. It manifested itself in 3 main ways:

1. Money- After paying for only room and board for 3.5 years at Moody, all of a sudden I started caring a lot more about how many credits I was taking when it costs almost $700 a credit...

2. Job- This is related to the money. I have developed a talent for not being very good at the job searching process. I got lucky at Moody when a friend hooked me up with a job on Dish Crew. With the costs as high as they are I'll need a more substantial job than that anyways.

3. Hebrew- Still related to the money issue, I'd like to be able to test out of the first 2 semesters of Hebrew. My problem is that I picked up my book yesterday for the first time since Spring 2010... and I don't remember nearly as much as I thought I would. The test is worth $3500 in credits I wouldn't have to take so I immediately feel the pressure.

All of this struck me as I was trying to fall asleep last night. I don't recommending thinking about such things as a way to fall asleep. I didn't sleep well. I woke up with a headache. I sit with a general sense of uneasiness that I did not have before. "Did I pick the right school?" "Should I even be going to grad school?" "Did I really consider the questions that Kevin DeYoung posed about going to seminary? (http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/2011/03/03/questions-for-future-and-present-seminarians/) "

Do I have the answers to these questions? No.

I do have two things that bring me comfort in a sea of uncertainty:

1. Proverbs 16:1 (NLT) ^"We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer." I trust because of all of the comparing I've done and my passion to know God's Word at a deeper level to be able to more capably teach students that Trinity was not a bad choice. I was just talking to a friend about living life planless vs. planned out. The truth is that in both cases, though a plan may provide momentary comfort, there is no telling what the future holds. God, the Ordainer of all things, the One who holds the World in His hands, the Director of all my steps, does know that future. It may very well not turn out the way I thought but I will not turn out differently than God has determined.

2. I'm not afraid to fail. Well, actually I am but if I can set the mentality that Trinity is the right, wise choice and it doesn't work out. If I can't pay for more than one semester... if I do my very best and yet the door still closes, I can trust that God is still working in that to direct my path. That doesn't mean I can be irresponsible with my money but since going to Trinity this semester seems to be the wisest choice, I will trust that it is the right one until it is evident that it is the wrong one.

So, if you think of it, pray that I would not succumb to the stress of the "what ifs" or the things that I cannot control. Pray that I would be wise with the resources that God has given me. Pray that I would find my comfort in God's sovereignty. Pray that I would be brave enough to fail, if that's how God chooses to direct my steps.

Seminary Sanctification

So, I'm in the final stages of choosing where to go to grad school/seminary for the Fall. Yes, yes, I know... it is June 7th. Yes, I know, I probably should have been at this point last December when there were more scholarships available. Yes, that would have given me time to go and look for places to live instead of hoping that there will be on-campus housing available. Yes, I would have had more time to realistically plan myself out financially instead of hoping and praying that the money will be there.

Yes, I know all of these things... but I wouldn't change it.

I know that's much easier to say when you can't change it.

Even if I found a flux capacitor on eBay, I'd still go down this road though.

It's really tempting to treat the process of choosing a grad school like LeBron James' "Decision"... especially when you have a few choices. Believe me, I've been humbled enough by times when I was turned down by people to really appreciate acceptance. Even then, it's so easy to feel like you deserve it. It's so easy to feel like you're something special.

It's so easy to forget God.

In the midst of a situation where it is so easy to think highly of myself and to be narcissistic, it takes something large to move my attention off of myself. That's where all of this stress comes in. That's where the fear comes in. Will I choose the right school? Will I find somewhere to live? Will I be able to build relationships when I get there? Should I just pick a school where there are already people I know living in the area?  How will I pay for this? Did I wait too long to be making a good choice?

I look to my left and I see pride.

I look to my right and I see fear.

If I really open my eyes though... I'll be able to see that God is leading me through this.

God can and will take my mistakes, my lack of forethought, my immaturity and use them to cause me to follow Him closer. All of the unknowns keep me from remaining prideful. The blessings of having the opportunity of a few choices in where to go act as a reminder that God is indeed at work in me. God is working through my pride and through my fear to see Him more clearly.

I'm still not sure where I'll be in the Fall.

I do know, however, Who will be there with me.